11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.