11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
What a chick magnet..