11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
highly recommended, many stars
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Mom: how about 1 friend
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.