11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
i baked you a cake
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more