11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
It be like that sometimes 😆
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Duck typos.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here