11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
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dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.