11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath