11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.