11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]