11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.