11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”