12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
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By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
They’re really bad with fonts.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.