12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.