12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Coffee is ready.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.