12. I think about this all the damn time
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.