12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’