12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.


I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.


Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.


This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other


if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies


I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??


Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.