@NickBossRoss

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

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@HaliPhacks

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

@mattewe02

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.