*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.