12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.