12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word