12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.