12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Who chose this font
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I hope it’s French Onion!
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
But no, she’s still alive.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.