12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.