12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Accurate
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”