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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Discuss
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8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.