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Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”