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Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Me when I hear gossip
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.