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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer