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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens