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What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament