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Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.