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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.