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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
i want enemies
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
That de-escalated quickly
Me as a therapist: omg same