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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.