You Might Also Like
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
This kid is going places
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.