You Might Also Like
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.