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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]