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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
gentlemen, hear me out
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea