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A Monday every week is excessive
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
When you let grandma cat sit
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes