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Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Somebody call the cops.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma