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Otters drive ottermobiles.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I feel seen.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
set yourself free xox
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A ghost story
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
