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When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Incredible customer service.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.