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My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?