You Might Also Like
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*