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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
#merica
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage