127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.