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@danjan13

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@DeanB15

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

@manofletterz

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

@Jennifergr8

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

@RobDenBleyker

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@meganamram

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

@SortaBad

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.