12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.


Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.


“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea


If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.


Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.


I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.


ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]


If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.


Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up