12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Netflix and you sit over there.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: