12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
#Caturday
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.