13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.