13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.